dedicate this to the boy with attractive body

I am sitting next to this man who is currently topless... He has to take off his shirt cause he was totally soaking wet. He was trying to protect me not to get wet under the heavy rain just now by pushing the umbrella to my side. I was touched yet worried the same time. My eyes just wide opened when he took his shirt off under the rain, Oh gosh! I knew he had been working out and shaping his body but hey since when he has such a good body shape? And since when I will be attracted just by a hunk? (well maybe not yet a hunk but he is getting there...) Tanned and silky touch, oh my... It's kind of contradict to have a baby face with a masculine body, and with the dim lights from the roadside, my hands just couldn't help but smear through his shoulder, his chest towards his abdomen and approaching his pelvis...

Hmmm satisfying after a few touches....

I m sure everyone being asked about this question before " What's your dream? ", whenever it comes to this question, I never have an answer. The only thing that I wanted to do but I couldn't is back to Uni and study a course that I m interested in, a course that the only thing I care is how much I like it... However, dream... I don't have a dream or I don't know my dream, how pathetic. But I have one thing that I always chasing for --- LOVE. Someone I love and someone love me. Pure Love. Ever since i came back to Malaysia, I have been always fall into this dilemma; sometime i will just enjoy life and love relationship without thinking about the reality and at the other time, I will be worrying a lot about the person that I m seeing that is either not promising in the future or not as strong as I thought he is. I m complicated, brave and coward at the same time, brave enough to take the risk to seek for Love only but not other thing and coward to really give in my 100% including my heart. Watching this movie - Definitely. Maybe again brings me all sorts of thought. Back to the beginning where my thought is i have always just wanted to enjoy life. I worked so hard, keeping myself attractive and unique but at the same time being myself, always be prepare for the worst and always have a plan B in life, all these hard-work just for one purpose, I can have more freedom in my life without being restricted by some physical factor that can be avoided. And that applies to my love relationship too. so who cares what his career is or whether he will be wealthy, just enjoy the company and the hug, if it doesn't work out then let it be. I just have to learn not to afraid being alone and I think i m quite good at it.

我常對在珀斯的顧客說珀斯是我第二個家，我對那裏的一切不說瞭如指掌，可是已經有相當的了解。住屋的轉角處有我喜愛的咖啡店，行駛 15 分鐘便有雜貨店，各類食材也能輕易找到。常去光顧的餐館，相熟的書店，常常給我驚喜的精品店，定時拜訪的茶葉店，他們已成為了我生活中的一部分。回到吉隆坡，這個陌生又熟悉的發展中城市，悶熱的氣候，時有陣雨。市中心充塞著高樓大廈，名副其實的鋼鐵森林，繁忙的道路，人人衣冠楚楚，步伐緊張。讓我不禁懷念起珀斯的明朗天氣，太陽高掛在上，伴著朵朵棉花般雲層，種種顏色也越發鮮亮起來，深深淺淺的單一顏色也可以一一分辨。珀斯地廣人稀，他的高速公路筆直平坦，往郊外行駛時便能使人心胸開懷，瞬間便沈浸在度假的喜悅中。吉隆坡常常籠罩在灰濛濛的天氣中，煙霾猖狂，所有的事物彷彿蒙上一層紗，縱有藍天白雲，也免不了給人一種陰沈的感覺，周圍的房屋都被生命力旺盛的苔蘚侵略，不得不共存。他就好像一幅運用暈染手法的畫，所有的顏色不分明，有種莫名的曖昧感。

我覺得很受傷。。。他們不喜歡积琪，我早已知道。這一次的家庭聚會我也沒有很想叫他去，但是為什麼如果連 jack 的女友，她也能很高興地叫他去，當我問要不要叫积琪時，她那一副為難嫌棄的樣子？就不曾為我稍稍想過，文豪和清秀一起去，jack 和 nicky, 卻單單叫我自己赴約？原來這就是所謂的愛惜女兒？做他們的女兒若會丟人現眼，應該就讓我最好不要在眾人前出現，免得丟了他們的臉。若我現在所有的一切一切都不是社會標準所能接受的，他們真的還會愛我嗎？做他們的女兒 幸福愉快的日子如此稀少，難過孤單的日子那麼多，為這樣的父母退讓那麼多，值得嗎？會被珍惜嗎？我也不過是他們門面上的一朵花，只是拿來炫耀。。。

這場盛會恕我沒能力出席了，他們一家和睦，我這終就會成為外人的女兒還是不要插足的好，省得被人嫌棄恥笑。我不會在那個日子工作，但是我會獨自一個人找一間高級餐廳，好好享受一個人的時光，省得在那帶著面具食不下咽。多麼像從前的我從孜善的歌唱初賽逃開一樣，為了他並不是為我歌唱的緣故，而遠遠避開那場面，對我來說是一種背叛。

Recently, end of September, a surprise guest showed up at my working place and we got to sit down and have lunch together. He said I am getting slimmer than the last time he met me and he joked and said did my dad starved me. I asked him did he joked this way with all his exes? He said No, cause he is not close them anymore. We sat in a Japanese restaurant and ordered some food to share. We chatted about our work, future plans, about his holiday to Japan. He asked me about my love life, and I told him that someone ask me to commit and to love him back. I said he seems like asking for something that I no longer have. I asked " What is love? How do I know whether I love someone? " He replied Baidu have all answers about it, such a silly reply. I said you will know right if you truly love a person... I talked about I couldn't love anymore as I am getting older and older and people hardly able to fall in love anymore. It was a nice lunch and nice catch up, I can see he is changing to be a better person. Maybe its a shame to let him go but I am not regret as I have always wanted someone that has strong body that will be able to lift me up. 

When I came home, a thought lingering in my mind. How does it feel like to see someone that you used to love deeply talking about her love life and the main character in the story is not you? If he really as he said I am the only girl that he loves and ever loves, I wonder how would it feel like when we talk about my love story? 

昨天與永耀見面，他約我時並沒有說明約我的原因，我猜的是要派紅帖。在約一年沒見後，再見面有些尷尬。他說這是一個說明會，要跟我交代清楚，好好結束。我們談了約4個小時，談他選擇另一個人的原因。他說因為她太適合了。我終於可以問問為什麼口中說的最喜歡我，轉身卻可以跟另一個人共度餘生。他說他知道我倆生活上的差異，他沒有問我願不願意遷就，他不想我遷就。他說這會損壞我的氣質。他問我為什麼從澳洲回來，我問他，他想聽什麼答案，我說他害怕承擔我因為他而回來的責任，他希望是我自己心甘情願的。我知道他不夠愛我，他愛自己比較多。我們兩個愛自己比較多的人如何會能在一起？我說我知道我是比較吃虧的，我有太強的自尊心，太多人可以輕易地將我身邊的人搶走。我問他，他會擔心我嗎？他說如果不擔心就不會勸我說，找一個有經濟基礎的，這樣才會少很多未來的糾紛。他說以我的條件，我會有很多的機會，可以再看看兩年，才來著急。我想找一個高大的，勇敢的，會對我說，跟隨我，我會承擔起養你的責任。我想找比我強的，我會仰慕他的人。與他見面後，勾起我很多的情緒，起起伏伏的，心軟軟的。

Marathon

9th August, went for my first marathon, Energiser Run. I managed to finish 15km in 2 hours 22 minutes.

獨自一個人跑，身邊都是陌生人，是一種孤獨。常常在這個時候開始想人生，總是在這種將自己放在一個孤獨的環境，做著重複性的動作時，腦袋才會絕對的清醒。跑過漂亮的高級住宅，想像住在裏面的人會是什麼樣子。有些有燈光，有些沒有。想自己在人生的道路上到底要的是什麼。好像一個舒適，高檔的家，便能滿足我，伴侶和孩子並沒有跳進我腦海裡。也許我會寂寞，會想有個人陪，可是每樣東西都有個代價，而佈置理想的家是我可以做到的，但是裏面住的人是我不能強求的。我還沒遇到那個可以在我面前領著我跑的人。我不擔心他跑得太快，我有信心我可以趕上他，只是遇見的人當中，這樣的人還沒出現。我還沒遇見我崇拜的他。

這幾個月自己真的沒那麼積極去安排生活的事，很多事情拖了又拖。應該要從新振作，將生活的瑣事一一做好。

He said "they" (devil & him) gonna have a meeting later, to discuss about me - that he loves me more than i love him... They need to decide whether they wanna give in more or pull back, or maybe they will just give up. I speechless... what should I reply? to b fair, i m not ready to commit, i m still not sure he is the right person. The age gap that causing the difference in social status, the maturity... i don't  mind my partner is not wealthy but i m scare he is not hardworking, he is still confuse what he wants. i m traditional, my partner gonna be the bread winner, so that i will salute him, n look high on him. i m jz not sure he will have the determination to fight with obstacles, i still cant c it in him. i want someone that is practical, not jz dreamer. he said he wanna take care of me, is he heading to that path? If i treat it seriously and thought tat it's a promise, but now, he is thinking to give up. Love is always so short, people don't chase after forever love anymore, either they are coward or they just dont have the patience. Everyone wants something from me, they approach in purpose, either asking for my time, loves, freedom, attentions etc. Everything comes with price, unconditional love just doesn't  exist.

It's fine if you wanna give up, maybe cause I am just not the one for you...

he told me this is his last day of working... it makes me wonder what happen. that's the problem, people like my age dont make drastic move anymore, we don't keep on changing job and we make decision after we thought it through... y am i always attracting guys that are either mentally weaker than me or superior than me? i am not asking some sort of superman that gonna carry me all the way through, i am just seeking someone that strong enough to walk by his own, and i can walk by his side...

在這熟悉的城市，冬天的季節，保持身體溫暖像是大腦唯一可以集中的目標。與老朋友的聚會總是很開心，彼此交換訊息與近況。聽到好友說她表妹的丈夫沒有上進心，說她不會選擇這樣的男子。想起自己最近的選擇，不知是否正確。我與他之間的距離不是年齡的差異，而是因為年資的差異而造成我們社會地位的差異。我已算是上岸了，而他還在掙扎。若我年紀還小，還能經得起蹉跎，仍能下注，但是這最後一人我卻必須謹慎，除非我願意做 bread winner.  我想相信他是我緣分中的人，但是我不知他值不值得。愛他嗎？我已不再會全心全意愛上一個人，不再那麼純粹，那麼天真。。。不愛嗎？那麼快樂，強烈的吸引力，不能否認。。。

Coming back to this town that I familiar with makes all sorts of complicated feelings flow through me. Same old house that I left, things all over the living room, cold weather that pretty hard to bear with, quiet environment like a vacuum place, all sorts of spices and sauces in the pantry, I feel home... Issit cause it's small and cozy and spacious makes you feel empty? Finally, I can sit in front of the computer and watch dramas and movies. It is more like I have my own space now even though I m staying at other's house now. It is kind of weird.

I do miss you, your warm big hand and broad shoulder..

I am a Gemini, I m famous with uncertainty. I always change my mind may just because i have read a book or there is a thought flash through. Now, I have decided to gave up of chasing after Mr Right, he might not ever existed. Human always doesn't get what they truly want, I am just part of the group. Let me enjoy life and laughter while I m still not too old. Let just release myself from the criticism from the society.

縱使相逢應不識，塵滿面，鬢如霜。

If I should meet thee, 

After long years, 

How should I greet thee? 

With silence and tears.

昨天，在婚宴上重逢，遇见前，我以为我已真正放下，你再也不能影响我，然而我还是高估了自己。昨晚夜游至深夜，我以为热闹后我已能平静入梦，在梦中我亦没能逃脱。你携她往我家来，我自在家中，侮辱却送上门，你们刚迁来我家附近，请我父母照顾一二，惺惺作态。这岂不是欺人太甚，欺我懂礼，秉着傲气，不会抓破脸皮，在梦中也受气。很委屈。不想再见你，即使被讥笑是鸵鸟，也不要见你，不想再被左右，不想受委屈。

sometimes, i just kinda hate to be with my dad. he always put himself up high, every kind of thing is wrong unless we do it in his way. his attitude that annoyed me the most is he always thinks he is very important. his time is very precious. his way is always right. i paid my debt. i m sure if i m selfish i should have just stay in Perth, better living environment, better career. I might not b wealthy, but I have my respect and freedom. I wouldn't have to sacrifice my own time for work just because its a family business. I wouldn't have to entertain my boss after i am home. I don't wanna be the nobody that circulating him and only able to do whatever he said. my parents should self-reflection why we as their children weren't willingly to help out family business. Not because the nature of the business, the problem is who we need to work with. hate to work with dad. i really do.

近來，有一頓悟，在那夜深人靜的夜晚，我想要的不過是被高大好聞的他緊緊擁抱。其他所有的內在與外在條件不過是錦上添花，若要擁有優秀的男伴，必定得付出良多。我已被現實訓練得渾身是戰甲，不需要安慰幫助。只想要躲在溫暖的懷抱裡，像小動物般團在懷裡，尋找舒服的位置享受。

《有时他们回家》－亦舒，書中有一首新詩如下：

    追憶之瞳蓦然又張開

    流浪半生

    在浮沈中等待，輪迴般意外

    幕起一刻

    方知故事修完又修，更改又更改。

    也許蒼天早放棄劇情

    角色與對白，只東湊西拼

    時間對，人物錯

    人物對，地點錯

    對對錯錯追逐迷失於聲光中。

    也許眼睛已看不清澈

    悲劇與喜劇，叫人輾轉難明

    愛情真，緣分假

    緣分真，命運假

   追憶之瞳最終只看到一場夢。

詩中的幾個段落便道盡我倆的故事，自問已放下這段情，然而總是在夜深人靜時想起往事，只是因為可惜沒能有圓滿的結局嗎？也許失戀最好的療傷藥是開始另一段戀情，只是人經歷的越多便越難心動，我真的不抱太大的希望。你比我幸運，男人總是較健忘，縱使不是他想要的她，也能妥協。

被寵壞的女人？

今天我独自一人驾车到Mid Valley, 全程大约50分钟。我驾的小心翼翼，到了之后，艰难地找到泊车位，我对自己说，我再也不要驾车来这。我想我是不是被他们宠坏了？在马来西亚，我很少需要自己驾车出游，都是矜贵地由他人载我。没男友或追求者的女生是真的没那么矜贵吧，可是我有自由。也许我并没有自己想像中如此独立自主，不然我心中就不会有委屈的感觉。什么东西都有代价。

The Journey 一路有你，導演的確拍出了新意，是一部能感動人的影片。然，當我聽見片中的英國男孩的腔調時，竟然勾起我對Perth的思念。那種英式英語在馬來西亞的方言與說話的方式襯托下竟讓我覺得親切。留學外國改變了我。在Perth時，我總是覺得自己沒能在那安居樂業，以此為家，不知道這裡還是不是我心裡深處想要的家？

回程時，天空也有藍天白雲，周圍是醜醜的，舊舊的房屋，像是一幅黯淡的畫，喜不喜歡就見仁見智。于我，就像在看一部滑稽的影片， 有一種難以形容的感覺。

總覺得每個在我身邊的人，都或多或少想從我身上得到一些東西，也許我應該如此想：我能給別人什麼，而不是別人在我身上得到了什麼。可是，總是不由自主地想，若我不是父母眼中（世俗眼中）令他們驕傲的孩子，他們對我的愛會少一些嗎？會少些關注嗎？若我叛逆任性，他們是否還會無條件愛我？我深深地懷疑。。。

the 'Newbie'

Here, my home, with my family is my reality world. Perth is like an isolated world to me. I work in the morning, come home, cook and rest. Pay the bills, meet up with friends regularly, planning for next trips, searching for good restaurant, speaking my second language - English. People might say, it sounds the same as all the others' reality world. No, they are wrong. My society circles here is much larger. I have to take time out to socialise with relatives. I have to attend wedding and funerals. I have to answer others' questions frequently and often ask help from others instead of just google. I start to make plans, or place myself into the plans for my whole family. All these was ignored when I was at Perth, as it just felt like it was far away from me. But now I am the newbie that gonna blend in into this society that is once familar to me. I am out of my comfort zone. I am scared, anxious and under stress. While standing in front of all these unknowns, I nearly lose my courages and to run away. Just run back to Perth, or just simply marry a guy and be the house wife. Yet, there is no way to run, I have to walk through the fog with all the confident i could have and find my way.

First day back to HOME

Now i am officially resiting at KL, the feeling of permanently leaving Australia suddenly kicks in on the first day back home. I can't just simply go back to Perth anymore. I have choosen to stay in Malaysia and I miss Perth already. There is just so many places that i havent get to visit or i will like to visit again in Perth. We, human, just being greedy in nature, right.... I can only keep all these feelings to myself, can't tell parents, or else they will have hard feelings; can't tell zk, or else  i will break her heart again... I miss her...