It's been a while since my last post, not sure why it has to be today but at this moment I am emotional. It's JQ birthday and also YeKun & BiRu wedding day. Even though I tried to ignore , deny or whatsoever, but clock is still tickling and never stop, I clearly realised that I m getting old, friends are getting married and start a new chapter their own life and so does me (but somehow I just wish I can hang on to my current life longer). Yesterday, JQ and me went to the wedding expo and we bought a photos shooting package (same package as Howard & Xiu). They wasn't that happy or satisfy about the package probably cause they feel that they it is a bit over budget and they make the decision without thinking it straight. However, JQ and me thought it actually worth for the price and we kind of believe we are in good hand. We will be taking care nicely and personally. And it's the first time I feel good about wedding. I feel relieved mayb cause one of the major thing is ticked off, and mayb JQ is giving full support all the time, his brothers are excited, his parents just advise us be careful about the hidden cost. Mum said mayb cause Howard think it's over budget however I earn more than him and I always spend more generously. Well, mayb.... That's what it meant to be right? Use the money to buy happiness. Earn more and spend in a way you enjoy.

Mum asked me about how many tables JQ family is planning to have for wedding dinner, I told her mayb 100 tables, mayb 50/50. She straight away said dad and her aren't planning to have so many as they already are going to do 100 for Howard's hence mine can be lesser. I said let 2 parents talk about it. I wasn't happy for her attitude, I understand in Chinese tradition daughter and son always get different treat, but everytime when it happens, it just get me straight away... I should know better already but I just couldn't. That's reality.... I should just get back all my money from them and I can plan the wedding myself, have it the way I want. They can just attend and witness, no trouble for them. To be honest, I still can't feel the joy in them, and I don't think they care...

I wasn't plan to go there initially, and intentionally to avoid the place, but after i found out there is no other jap restaurant nearby and it's the most convenient choice, I decided to just call and grab a take away. Everything is fine till when I collecting my meals, the restaurant owner recognised me. He said " ohh, long time no see! You slimmer..." and he asked whether I m still with ZK. I don't wanna explain much and just wanna leave ASAP so i jz replied yes we still together... Momiji jap restaurant, it's the place we always went when we were first started. We went so frequently till the restaurant owner even remembered our favourite food, and at that time it was our sweetest moment of the 5 years. Winter, strong wind, she fetched me to grab dinner. I always had kitsune udon whereas she always had terriyaki chicken. After we moved to leederville then we stopped going there, from leederville we moved to south perth, its far away too, then we moved to victoria park, however, we hardly visited the place. The owner always remember us, disregard how long we haven't been there.

I cried staright after I got into the car. I couldn't hold for a second and my heart just felt so pain... I thought i never loved her deeply, but maybe cause I was too coward to face all the obstacles that waiting in the future for us and I know parents will be very dissapointed and disapproved, hence I hold back myself all the time. I never told her my worries, just hide all the emotion underneath and pretend nothing happened like I always do. At some point, I even cheated myself successfully that I didn't fall so badly. But this time when I return to this city that I love and somehow come across all the places we used to visit or recall sweet memories that we share, I have to admitted to myself, I wasn't that easier to let go as I thought. I asked WY and CL, how is she, they never say a word, maybe they are being told not to say anything to me.. I don't blame her... This place fill with my happiness and my sadness, I probably won't visit by my own anymore, I scared it will be like the situation I m having now again, overwhelmed with past memories.

I sent her a text asking whether she wanna meet up but as much as I know her, she wouldn't want to. At least I did ask.... and I have no regret now... ZK, sorry that we couldn't be together till the end...

just finished a chinese movie " Lets Get Married ", it's a happy ending movie, however my eyes were fill with tears when I was watching it...I watched with JQ, he asked me is the movie that touching, I couldn't answer, I don't know how to explain in words about my feeling now.

This morning I had this weird dream about me being invited to my friend's house to look at some photos. Zi San and his current gf are staying in this house too. There is one photo of me and JQ, he was about to kiss me on my cheek from the side, and the sunlight coming from his back, making him glow with gold, and I was smilling dearly...after finishing the photos, when I was about to leave, I saw this green starbucks tumbler that seems to be mine. I asked my friend, is that belongs to anyone, she replied no, hence I took it and wanna bring it home. While I was waiting outside for the car, a friend of Zi San's gf came to me and asked me awkwardly, do I still have anything left here, I replied no and feeling weird at the same time. She said why am I still contacting Zi San, I said I havent seen him for months, why are you guys blaming me for all these. She asked then Why he said over the phone that how can he survive without you, I replied how would I know, I havent talk to him since ages... I was so angry then I woke up. I have no idea why out of sudden I will have this kind of dream, I havent thought of him for long and I havent come across his stuff for long too. JQ said mayb cos I m letting it go now, so I wanna have an ending for our story. Maybe all the while, I felt that I was being blamed and treated wrongly. She always appear to play the weak character and sending others to be her protector. But in fact, God knows, he, she and I all knows that she is the one that snatched him away. I always wanted to tell her, this kind of guy that can be easily snatched away, and his loves easily moved doesn't worth for any of my attention. She can just pick him away, I won't give a damn. I will proceed in my life, and left all these behind, however, she will always live in fear, cause I will always appear in her nightmare until she can be confident enough to overcome it.

JQ is sleeping soundly next to me now, but I still feel lonely cause no one will ever understand my feeling.. I couldn't explain where the sadness come from, maybe it is just because of all the love that I have give out but they never lead me to a good ending. it's not easy for me to love a person...

I was driving home after work then i heard this song from my ipod -- " 漂洋过海来看你 " , suddenly reminded me about my past relationship and the feelings caught me. It reminded me how sad I was and how pain it was to love ZiSan, and also the time with ZK. They said in order to forget someone you loved, you gonna start a new relationship and happily after. I am in a happy and progressive relationship now, however, this kind of sad feelings somehow just catch me unexpectedly. Somehow, I wish JiQi is here beside me now, then I can hug him tight and snug in his arms, left the loneliness away.

是在缅怀从前喜欢一个人的心情，对怜惜自己从前的付出和被伤害的难受，还是对已失去的旧情念念不忘？想起从前有种心酸酸的感觉。很清楚不再喜欢 ZiSan 了，可是能联想到旧情的歌曲都会触动我的心，尤其是夜深人静时。这样的感觉会不会有一天消失？我觉得现实中往往已经物是人非，但是我却仍旧记得旧时他的样貌和性格。。。

JiQi thought that I don't love him that much, I don't think it's true, just that I don't want myself to be too rely on him and my emotions will be affected by him all the time. Too torturing for an old soul....

Hey, I miss you, miss everything about you...