just finished a chinese movie " Lets Get Married ", it's a happy ending movie, however my eyes were fill with tears when I was watching it...I watched with JQ, he asked me is the movie that touching, I couldn't answer, I don't know how to explain in words about my feeling now.
This morning I had this weird dream about me being invited to my friend's house to look at some photos. Zi San and his current gf are staying in this house too. There is one photo of me and JQ, he was about to kiss me on my cheek from the side, and the sunlight coming from his back, making him glow with gold, and I was smilling dearly...after finishing the photos, when I was about to leave, I saw this green starbucks tumbler that seems to be mine. I asked my friend, is that belongs to anyone, she replied no, hence I took it and wanna bring it home. While I was waiting outside for the car, a friend of Zi San's gf came to me and asked me awkwardly, do I still have anything left here, I replied no and feeling weird at the same time. She said why am I still contacting Zi San, I said I havent seen him for months, why are you guys blaming me for all these. She asked then Why he said over the phone that how can he survive without you, I replied how would I know, I havent talk to him since ages... I was so angry then I woke up. I have no idea why out of sudden I will have this kind of dream, I havent thought of him for long and I havent come across his stuff for long too. JQ said mayb cos I m letting it go now, so I wanna have an ending for our story. Maybe all the while, I felt that I was being blamed and treated wrongly. She always appear to play the weak character and sending others to be her protector. But in fact, God knows, he, she and I all knows that she is the one that snatched him away. I always wanted to tell her, this kind of guy that can be easily snatched away, and his loves easily moved doesn't worth for any of my attention. She can just pick him away, I won't give a damn. I will proceed in my life, and left all these behind, however, she will always live in fear, cause I will always appear in her nightmare until she can be confident enough to overcome it.
JQ is sleeping soundly next to me now, but I still feel lonely cause no one will ever understand my feeling.. I couldn't explain where the sadness come from, maybe it is just because of all the love that I have give out but they never lead me to a good ending. it's not easy for me to love a person...
