最近因為回去的事情，有很多的壓力。ZK 不開心，也同時影響了我的心情，我得想辦法讓她開心。心情的低落無法向任何人訴說，那些別人所認為的我的好友－我不想說，說了她也只是表面的關心。有些人也許已經自顧不暇－哪能再裝下我這些無病呻吟？有些人不知從何向他說起，連開口都不能。是不是所有人在長大後都沒有所謂的能交心的好友，還是我做人太失敗，以至於在我難過時，連雙耳朵都沒能找到？也許我就該學學男人，心情不好喝幾杯酒下去，睡一覺醒來便沒事

總是這樣，真正想寫下幾句話時，卻又詞窮。剛告訴她，我肯定會回Malaysia, 她很難過。她問我為什麼一定要回，我回答：我想嘗試不一樣的生活，做不一樣的事。看著她傷心的樣子，我在想，也許我應該就獨自一個人生活，那麼便不會傷害他人。我覺得總是我在放棄一段穩定的感情，不知道是我太害怕一成不變的生活，還是我沒有信心能就此安定下來，與一個人共度餘生，總覺得那是一個很重的承諾。然而我卻總是在尋找能讓我安心的人。很矛盾

心情激盪，想找人聊天，卻覺得沒有一個人能向他傾訴。是我太封閉自己嗎？覺得很寂寞，覺得所有心事也只能埋藏在心底，覺得沒有人能讓我打開心門讓他入內了解自己。覺得自己會孤獨終老，覺得也許有一天當父母都去世後，會生無可戀，卻又沒勇氣自殺，便處處冒險，便讓意外結束生命，那也很好。

心绪纷乱。从前奢望我俩的感情能好聚好散，而现实中善终的感情太少太少，不包括我们的这一段。感慨之余，更多的是可惜。可惜的是，我没能如电影中， 细细的回味初恋的甜与涩，没能将那些年的回忆都染上淡淡的粉色，却都是一大片一大片的灰。你说你不能面对我，所以选择避而不谈，让我苦苦地等，猜度你的心思，直至我忍受不了而逼你给我一个了断。你的所谓的仁慈，却是对我最大的残忍。我想若你一开始便坦荡荡地，诚恳地说我俩无法再续前缘，你也是很难过，但也很无奈，我也许便不会纠结于此，觉得从前的爱情像是一文不值，无法对自己说－他不愧是我爱过的人。

生为双子座的苦恼

有时候，我想逃得远远的，独自一个人到没有人认识我的地方，没有牵绊地生活，无需对任何人负责，也没有任何顾虑。我想逃离既定的轨迹，放肆一回，挥霍生命，在还没太迟之前。

有时候，我想安定下来，看清未来的方向，将就身边刚好出现的那个人， 结婚生子，规规矩矩地生活，为柴米油盐而奔波。 看着身边的友人寻到了人生的伴侣，羡慕之余也会疑问，为何这样肯定呢？曾经，我下定决心，选择了你，虽然我心底知道，以你在感情上犹豫不决，时时心软的性格，一定会辜负我的勇气，可是还是想制造一个机会。总是令我失望呢。。。

there is still some connection between you and me. there is always a mixed feelings when I saw your name or thought about you. a little sadness, irritated... what an extreme, from love to slightly disguise, and I m hoping in the future, you will be a stranger to me. I don't want every single song that I hear reminds me about you. I don't want to remember anything about you.

I think I am just angry, that you don't have the courage to fight for what you really want (if as you said, I am the partner that you are looking for). I am sick of waiting for you to handle our relationship even its just friendship now. You make me feel like I am less precious compared to others. I am just tired of you being such as coward

there will be no connection between us soon, and I am happily waiting the day to come.

1st of july

It has been an extremely busy day for me, need to multitask for nearly 10 hours, and i need to do a home interview after work. They are my webster pack patient, both in their 90s. They mainly depend on their carer for their daily activities such as cleaning, cooking, showering etc. After the interview, we had a short conversation. I saw the wedding photo on my way out, out of curiousity, i ask whether is that their wedding photos, it was their great grandchildren wedding photo. He started to tell me their wedding day. He said they have been married for 65 years since his 25 years old. He said they have always been best friend and they have a great family together. They said they dont have too much to complain and they are quite happy all the while. I was holding my emotion when I heard he said they have been married for so long and still love each other. I was touched. And I just burst into tears when I heard he said they always have been best friend. My heart wasnt hurting at that time, but the emotion hit me so badly then i cant even control myself. I was really embarassed. I cant even explain nicely the reason i was weeping. I told them that I just broke up with my best friend and thought that i was alright.

I wished that you will ever have the courages to be with me, to go through the obtacles and to face the up and down side of life, and never lost faith in each other. 

2013年的6月就要结束了，我也应该将这blog结束。。。是否应该煽情地说 - 这是我最黑暗的6月。。。心很犹豫，也许会有人关注这些我想说，却不知能向谁说的心事，也许没有这一个人。可是，结束这里后，连猜测的机会也没有，留着它，却又让自己与往事纠缠不清。

在你告诉我你的选择后，你曾说你会在隔天call我，你说你还有好多话要告诉我。我心里知道，你应该不会再主动联络我，甚至你应该会尝试避开我。现在科技如此发达，若真心要联络一个人，有何难，没能为你找借口说服自己。 我在等，抱着小小的希望，也许你会记得你的承诺。 我有时看不起自己，为你如此卑微，你也未必珍惜，更不用想值不值得。

我想我不够好，至少在你眼中，我没能让你不顾一切地爱我，选择我。可惜了我的勇气，我的决心。两个星期而已，却觉得像是过了好久好久，心已荒凉。。。

"Let Her Go"

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh)
Well you let her go


 And you let her go

You just let me go.... will you regret one day when you look back to the past?

写了一封信，以为可以很快便寄出去，却因为种种原因，仍沉甸甸地压在我心里。
没有地址如何能寄？

最近重新记起远距离的爱情的感受，需要他时，从没能找到他，

不想再想有关你的事了，这次以后应该便能把你的身影从我的心底移开，再不要为你倘开心门。You never here when I need someone, at least this time you can

我一直在猜想你是否在逃避我，何时我成了你不想见，不想提起的人？这几个月的时间让我将从前的心理路程又再经历一遍，只是这一次恐怕会刻印在心里，想忘記都不能。与你久别重逢就像重新再认识你，再一次为你心动，再一次打开心锁。分别后便陷入没有时限的思念，想与你谈天时，你总是在忙，或是根本找不到你。有时会有种幻觉，觉得你不存在，我拥有的只有自己。那一段时间的焦躁，忧郁，无奈，胡思乱想很折磨，到了顶点时，爆发后便崩溃。心慢慢沉寂，假装自己从没遇过你。就如从一个白色的场景跳到粉色的，too good to be true，有些害怕。然后变成温暖的橙色，分别时成了淡淡的蓝色，随着时间过渡成了深蓝，最后只剩灰色的荒凉。渐渐走出阴霾后，那一抹淡化了的灰却留在心底，假装自己不曾受伤。每见你一次我便重新经历一次，如何都学不会如何不被伤害。这一次有些许不同，我不能像从前一样显露我的情绪，眼泪只能在无人的角落安静地流，却让我跳出自己，看清曾走过的路，一切都那么熟悉。选择陷入那粉色陷阱时，我已知道在前方等着我的荒凉。我让自己再受伤一次来争取一线机会，选择相信你对我的爱会重要过其他如责任，名譽。既使身在荒凉时也要保留心底那一簇火苗，不能让它像从前般熄灭。可是心底有个声音告诉我，爱情之于你并不是最重要的，我注定得心死。

6月5日，在Melbourne的第五天， 梦中有你，我，她，3人。你在我面前拉着她的手，对我说，你选择的是她，用一种冷漠的眼神，然后毫无不舍地与她离开。梦醒时，我在想，这应是一个预兆，可是心底还是抱着希望，毕竟你还没亲口拒绝我。多么天真。在你拒绝我后，我甚至想放下自尊问你可不可以再考虑多一会儿，还好我尚能控制我自己，不至于让自己沦落到那个地步。 至少，想要保留自己的自尊与骄傲。

孜善， 想必你不想我对你纠缠不清，我就以这个blog来对你说结束。我不知道你会不会有兴趣想知道我心里的话， 若你没来也好，就将那最后的通话当成结束也不错，至少我不会再欺骗自己，为你寻找一个又一个的借口。

我想请你为我做最后3件事：
1 - 请将我的2个图书馆借书证还给我，它们对我很有意义。 图书馆学会给了我很多很多愉快的回忆。 你可以将它交给韦霖，再让她转交给我。
2 - 请以你服务其他人的态度去管理我的life insurance, 请让我每年汇款去公司的户口
3 - 这要求你真的不需要勉强。。。 请别在韦霖的婚宴上公布你的新恋情，这对我来说会是一种仁慈。

我得好好收拾心情，改掉软弱时便找你的坏习惯，也绝不在你面前展现真实的自己。得准备精致的面具，让所有人都看不透我想什么， 所有猜测都落空。

我会遵守分手守则，不会再与任何人讨论我与你的过去，希望你也能对我还有点顾惜，绝口不提我们之间的事。Thanks for everything in the past, for the comfort and the pain and goodbye.

这应该是最后的一个post。。。多么不舍，都得结束

Today is my off day, quite reluctant to think about you and our relationship (past). I really need to write it all out, to have an ending for all the past, to express how i feel even though no one cares. I told wei leng about the rejection i received from you. She asked me whether i am alright, how did you said it, did you initiate the conversation, she said she just curious... how does she think i will feel? does the process matter? what does it to do with her? I don't feel like talking about it at all. i just wanna run away, pretending that all this doesn't exist, just using my another personalities to continue my life even though deep down my heart, i know eventually i will have to accept the fact. I wonder my wounded heart ever heal in the future, wonder whether i will make a promise to others like i ever make to you. 

6月3日，在melbourne的第3天旱晨，我从一股悲哀中苏醒。忆起梦中的一切，那么的真实。我在梦中一直在找你，只为了一个我早已知道的答案。只是我知道若你不亲口告诉我，我是不会心息的。我逼不得已只好寻上你的宿舍，彦胜，事贤，卓彬都在。我拉你去一旁问你，你最后的决定，你用充满怨气的眼神看着我，诉说着你为我付出的种种及你所有的委屈。你甚至将你的朋友拉过来对他们抱怨，我很难过，一句话都不想解释，只想逃的远远的，躲在无人的角落里抱着自己哭。无论是不是真实的，都让我感到悲哀。我爱一个人，便会爱得很纯粹，付出我能付出的所有。我以人生中最无忧无虑的7年伴在你身边，从没要求你对我的人生负责。从我身上你得到了温暖与温柔，还有我最宝贵的东西，我却从没要求你在未来回报我什么。是真的嗎，这一段感情里，只有你在付出，只有你有委屈吗？我在异乡需要帮助，需要心灵的依靠时，你又在哪里？你真的曾经爱过我吗？可曾真正珍惜，怜惜过我？可曾知道我真正要的是什么？都已经不重要了，你不要我的真心。。。

到底得还你多少的眼泪才够呢? 我以为我已不懂得如何去爱，然而不知何时被压在心底的感情开始蠢蠢欲动。太过在乎你，所以总是在有关你的事上钻牛角尖。你的一言一行都能轻易地触动我，凌迟我的心。朋友们都以为我不在乎，我却在那精致的面具下默默流泪。这一切我都经历过，再重新走过，能想像从前的哀伤与绝望。我应欣幸我已稍微进步，将这所有的情感都隐藏在面具之下，平静地面对生活，只在绝对独处时才放松。

也许该请你彻底地让我解脱，让我再重新将你遗忘，就当作从没遇见与我灵魂相契的你，只隐约记得我们爱过已足够。

The thought of you being with her now, happily celebrating her birthday burn me... Remind about our past that we never celebrate each other birthday in a good way. We were either sneaking out or finding some place to be alone, just never feel secure and relax. I can't help but keep thinking may be you should just reject me and let the past be the past, let all the memories be buried in grave. The other side of me keep persuading that I should try harder and give our relationship a chance. But it's just not gonna be the same anymore right? I can't really recall those good memories, it's doesn't seem to be we had a lot in the past. I know I was being pampered when I was with you but all the happiness came along with some bitterness too. And now, I just feel the pain... I should have just left, let our path lead us to a separate way. I should have just pack up all the memories about you, clean out your space in my heart and close the door leading towards you, so that I can start a new relationship with someone else, not just keep on going back to you when my heart is weak. Our relationship last for 7 years, and after 5 years, I thought I have let it go and so does everyone but in fact, you are still severely affecting my emotion. I bet no one realise that I m actually still struggling, not something I expected from myself too. Sometimes, human just have to repeatedly telling yourself about something then eventually you can cheat everyone including yourself. When I see a relationship ends badly, I told myself not to make the same mistake as others do but in fact, I break all my own rules when it comes to you.

Will you let me walk away?

在看「我是歌手」，想起从前我们一起看「星光大道」的时光，想起你的评论，想起我们大言不惭的批评，想起我总是逼迫你唱歌给我听的日子。你还记得吗？你还需要我吗？

在电话里总是不知觉地沉默，不是无话可说，而是心中觉得酸涩，像是太久没倾诉，已不懂得如何诉说。情绪大起大落，使我身心俱疲。不重要的人不会影响到你的心情，但喜欢一个人真的总是使人焦躁不安吗？甜蜜呢？幸福呢？我年纪已老大，还得工作赚钱生活，心已不再能承受太多情绪，得欺骗自己，我并没有想像中在乎你

刚听了一首歌 - 谁比我还懂你。眼泪会不受控制地流下，心酸酸的